Chapter 205
CAMILLA’S P.O.V
I could feel their eyes on me the entire time, carefully watching as if expecting me to blow up any minute. I tried to ignore the feel of Ryker’s gaze on my skin, it was piercing and I felt it all the way down to the tips of my toes. I focused on the girls in front of me. I braided Audrey’s hair and made a show of brushing Aurora’s and holding it up with a pretty bow before kissing her head.
“I need to borrow your mother for a second, okay?” Ryker said the moment I released Aurora and without any warning, he grabbed my upper arm and began to pull me out of the room.
I didn’t even bother protesting, I knew it was going to come sooner or later. To his credit, he didn’t take me very far, we just moved a few steps away from the room before he turned to me. His hands were crossed over his chest and he had a look on his face that was wary and apprehensive. If I thought having him looking at me with love was uncomfortable, I wasn’t prepared for this one. I didn’t know why but having him guarded around me seemed even worse.
“What are you playing at?” he asked but I stayed silent. “Those girls are not toys to be played with. You cannot go to them as you see fit and run away as you see fit. I am on your side, I always am but I am also on theirs and they deserve better.”
“If you would just-”
“I am respecting your wishes and your desire to be left alone. I am respecting the fact that you don’t remember and all of this is too much for you. I can respect all of that but I am asking for you to not. –play with the emotions of our children. They are too young to understand what is going on and
with them, you have to either be all in or all out. There is no in between and they are going to get hurt. They are already hurt.”
“Ryker-”
“Do you know how difficult it was to keep them distracted the last few months? I felt like I was losing my goddamn mind. I had to tell them that you were gone even though I kept searching for
I didn’t want them to hope in vain and now you’re here. They don’t understand it, hell, I don’t even understand it and I am an adult so for their sakes will you.
“Stop!” I cut him off and he went silent. “If you would just let me speak for one second you would hear that I am not trying to play with anyone’s emotions. Goddamit, Ryker, you have been talking about how you feel for ages so why don’t you let me speak for once?”
He fell silent and I saw a slight sheen of embarrassment creep up his ears. I understood, I really did and even though I didn’t know what it meant to be protective of someone to that degree, I could somewhat relate to where he was coming from. I wouldn’t want anyone to play with the emotions of my
children, I wouldn’t want them to be hurt. He was a royal but he was still a man at his core, he still hurt and he still felt. He was willing to put his own hurt aside for the children and that was one of the most endearing things I had ever seen in my life.
“I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. It was a cheap shot and I know it. I was- it doesn’t matter what I was. It is an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses for my behavior,” I began slowly but he didn’t say a word, he just watched me. “I don’t know how to be the woman that you want me to be and I think that’s okay.”
“I don’t want you to be anyone, I just want you to be you. I don’t care what version of you that it is, as long as it is you, that is all that matters. Don’t you get it? You want to be someone you’re not so badly and that is what is causing all of this tension.”
“But everyone needs-”
“I don’t care what everyone needs,” he cut me off. “This is about you and no one else. You are the one who has to go through this, you are the one who has to work your way around it. You are the only one who matters.”
I could see how I could have fallen for him before. He was a kind man, soft spoken and warm. He seemed like the kind of person who would hold your hand through a difficult time and talk you through some of the worst moments of your life. I could see myself falling for him again and I couldn’t tell whether that was
going to be a good or a bad thing.
“Anyways,” I cleared my throat to change the subject. “If we are going to do this, we need to set some rules. I don’t want anyone getting disappointed or feeling like the other person isn’t doing enough. It was my fault for not setting rules in the first place.”
He cocked a brow before crossing his arms over his chest. “What did you have in mind?”
I was shocked that he was agreeing so easily. A part of me had thought that he would need some convincing and had come up with an entire speech in my head but everything suddenly flew out the moment I heard him agree. I opened my to speak but no words would come out. It was like someone had taken a knife to my vocal chords.
mo
HE
“Do you want to sit down first?” Ryker suggested and I nodded. He led me to a nearby bench and helped me into a sitting position.
He held my hand while doing so but even after I had sat down, he wouldn’t let go and I didn’t do anything to take my calming about
hands out of his. He was warm and the
Wa
rush me to speak, he just sat down beside me, my hand wrapped in his and he waited patiently until the first words left my lips.
knowing that he was with me, so I left it. He didn’t push, he didn’t
“I need to know everything,” I told him and he nodded slowly. “I will not
I need to know my last schedule, how I worked, what I did, what I said 80 out looking like a fool.
“Done, is that all?”
everything that happened- I
I shook my head. “I need some time to get used to the girls, okay? I care for them, I don’t know why but I do and my wolf knows they’re ours but I need some time. I want to help out with them but I want you to be there. I don’t want to mess things up because like you said, they don’t understand, they don’t deserve this.”
“Okay, is that it?” he asked and I nodded. Those were the main things. I just wanted to take things at my pace. I didn’t want to be rushed. I needed time. “I have one rule of my own.”
I stilled. “You do?” he hummed. “Is it something crazy?”
Chapter 205
“Not really, I want one date every week,” I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off. “I will take everything at your pace, you will be in charge but I want a fighting chance here.”
“Ryker-”
“Do you want to know the most messed up thing about all of this?” he began. “It isn’t that you don’t remember, I could deal with that. It isn’t that you are different now because in all honesty, I love it. The most difficult thing about all of this is the way you look at me.”
“I don’t understand. How do I look at you? I didn’t realize that I was doing-”
“It isn’t the way you think. The last time I saw you, you looked at me with so much love in your eyes and now you look at me like a stranger. You look at me with caution, apprehension and sometimes it’s like you want to run the other way. I understand though, you don’t remember who I am but I would give anything for you to look at me the way you used to.”
I opened my mouth to speak when the door to the room opened. Without realizing what was happening, I pulled my hand out of Ryker’s grip. I felt his disappointment but I couldn’t look him in the eye, I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to see how much I was hurting him. Christine looked between the both of us and I could see a silent question in her eyes but I ignored it and stood to my feet making sure to dust off imaginary dirt from my skirt.
“The girls are asking for you,” she said after a beat of long silence. “Aurora is half asleep and she keeps crying for you- Camilla.”
“Of course, I’ll be there soon,” I told her and she looked between Ryker and I before turning on her heels and walking back to the room. When she was gone, I finally risked a glance at Ryker and his expression was carefully neutral. “Ryker-”
“You don’t have to accept the dates,” he cut me off. “Respecting your boundaries also means respecting the ones you put in place against me. I understand that this is all new for you.”
“I don’t mind the dates, that isn’t the problem.””
“Then what is?”
“I’m scared,” I admitted and he waited for me
waiting, he sighed and walked towards the doo
elaborate but I didn’t. After a full minute of
His hand was on the knob when I finally spoke.
I
“It isn’t that I’m scared of you or of you hurting me. I am scared because I can see why I would have fallen for you in the first place and if I do this, it isn’t a matter of if I will love you again, it is a matter of when and that scares me.”
