Chapter 204
CAMILLA’S P.O.V
I felt bad for speaking to Ryker that way but it was important that he realized. It was important that he didn’t get his hopes up too high. I didn’t want to hurt him in the long run but the truth was that he was already hurting. He expected me to fit into this carefully curated box that he had placed for his mate but I couldn’t. I could barely get through the day, much less be the woman he wanted me to be. Still, that didn’t stop me from feeling bad for him. In a second, he had lost everything and now, he had the chance to get it all back. If I were in his shoes, I probably would have done worse.
It was so exhausting, more tiring than I realized it would be and I wanted to be her- sometimes I thought it would be easier- but how could I be someone I didn’t even remember. Sometimes it felt like I was getting a flash of memory but it would be gone before I could even process
what was going on. I remembered the rooms, I remembered the paths but I couldn’t remember the people and somehow, that felt like the worst punishment.
A knock on my door snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned to find Peggy standing by my door with a small smile on her face. She made her way inside and I didn’t realize how little time I had
spent with her until she actually walked in. Luxury looked good on her, she looked well taken care of and less stressed than she did back in town. I tapped the spot next to me and she didn’t hesitate before taking it.
“I just had to listen to an angry rant from Marie a few hours ago and I saw that fine man storming out of here,” she began and I exhaled deeply. “I am not here to scold you, Camilla. Honestly, I don’t
you. Camilla al know if I have the right to do so. Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Everyone expects me to be happy about this. They think I should just be grateful that I am Queen and that it fell into my lap when it is what people would kill for. Why would I do that? I didn’t ask for all of this. I didn’t want all of this. It just feels like no one understands the pressure that is on my shoulders right now.”
“You shouldn’t expect them too. Only the person who wears the shoes knows exactly where it pinches,” i didn’t respond and she wrapped an arm around my shoulder in a comforting manner. “Everyone has expectations of you. You should have known that the moment you agreed to do this. To these people, you are their Queen, their family, their mother, their mate, their sister and you cannot expect those expectations to go away. The minute you came here, you resigned to being the woman that they know.”
“I only agreed to one year.”
“Did you really?” she asked and I stilled. “Did you think that you would be able to leave after a year? You are smarter than that, Camilla, don’t insult your own intelligence. You know exactly what you signed up for and this is it. It is hard and it is scary and I cannot pretend to understand what that feels like but you are in this already. There is no backing out now.”
“I had powers,” I said suddenly and she fell silent. “I was this Queen who saved everyone first. I was this
person who put my life in danger for others. I wouldn’t do that now. I wouldn’t heal people at my own detriment especially if I knew I had kids to come home to. I am not that girl.”
“You don’t have to be that girl. People change and people grow. Imagine the old Camilla as a caterpillar, you are a butterfly. You have grown and you have changed but deep down, you are that girl. You just became better.”
I lay my head on her shoulder in a silent thanks. My mouth couldn’t form the words so I hoped my actions would. She wrapped her arms around me and we sat there in complete silence for a full minute. I didn’t realize just how much I needed someone to validate my feelings. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t overreacting and that it was normal to be scared. By the time I finally pulled away, I knew exactly what I had to do and Peggy did too because she gave me a soft smile and squeezed my hand softly before walking out.
I had two places to be but I went to the lesser of two evils first which was Marie. She was in her room seated cross legged on the bed. She looked excited to see me at first but it was as if she remembered the fight and turned her back to me.
“I am not going to apologize because I stand by what I said, you don’t understand what it is like to be in my shoes.”
“If you are not here to apologize then what are you here for? I have nothing to say to you.”
“Then listen,” I cut her off. “This is all you have ever wanted- a life of ease, a wonderful life and I will not fault you for that. I didn’t even have the chance to want anything. I am still trying to find my footing and remember what happened in the past six years but I cannot. I don’t just have the life of ease, I have kids now and a mate and it is hard to navigate on my own. All I am asking for is my friend to support me.”
“I do support you.”
“No, you support me as long as I stay in this life. Would you support me if I decided to leave? If I said I was done and I wanted to fake my own death and go back to that small town. If I said that was the life that I wanted would you support me?”
Her silence was enough of a response.
“I need my friend, Marie. I don’t need you pushing me to take the choice that best aligns with your dreams. I need a friend who is going to stick by my side and let me know that no matter what, it is me and her against the world, not her against me because I don’t want what she wants.”
“But why wouldn’t you want this?” she asked. She sounded almost confused and a little hurt. “Why would you look at this life and say that it wasn’t for you? You have everything you could ever want. You have a mate who scoured the ends of the earth to find you, you have children who adore you and you have a life of ease. I don’t understand.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” I whispered and she crossed her arms over her chest. “I never said I didn’t want it. I just said that I needed some time to come to terms with it. I am not going to be the picture perfect person within days. It doesn’t work that way.”
There was a moment of silence before she sighed. “Fine, I support you. Whatever it is that you choose to do, I will have your back.”
“Thank you. Now if you will excuse me, I have one more thing that requires my attention.”
I could feel the confusion in her gaze but I didn’t bother waiting to explain it to her. I walked
Chapter 204
slowly, almost dragging my legs in the direction of that room. With each step, I felt heavier than the last but I was determined to see this through. I needed to do it before I lost the courage, I needed to face the fear and embrace the new chance at life that had been given to me.
I pushed open the door slowly and everyone stilled. It was just Christine, Ryker and the girls. It felt like everyone was holding their breath and waiting to see what I would do. They regarded me as one would a wounded animal that they were scared would run but I ignored them and headed straight for Audrey.
I took a seat cross legged in front of her and gestured for her to come to me. It required no hesitation on her part before she immediately walked into my hands. I pulled her so that she was sitting on me and she brushed her hair out of her face.
“Why isn’t your hair in a braid if you don’t like it in your eyes?” I asked and it was Ryker who responded.
“She wanted you to do it.”
He was gauging my reaction but instead, I lifted Audrey and placed her in front of the vanity while I retrieved the brush and began braiding her hair down. I could feel the confusion in the room but, I tuned them out and focused my attention on the little girl in front of me who was grinning from ear to ear. I looked over my shoulder at Aurora who was straining in Ryker’s hands to come to me.
“Do you want me to braid yours too?” I asked and she nodded. I wasn’t sure if she could completely understand me but I hoped she could.
Once I was done with Audrey’s hair, I pressed a soft ki*ss to the center of her head.
“I love you,” I whispered and it was like someone had lit up a beam in her eyes. She threw her arms around me and squeezed tightly. I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach as I held her the way I would have wanted to be held as a child.
“I knew you would say it back,” she whispered before pulling back to smile at me. She turned to Ryker. “Did you hear that daddy? She said it back.”
Ryker wasn’t looking at her, his eyes were fixated on me. “I heard, princess, I told you she would say it back.”
