Chapter 201
CAMILLA’S P.O.V
I couldn’t stop myself from fidgeting as I walked out of the room. I had never felt so at war with myself before. I knew that girl- at least, my body did- but my mind could not conjure up a single memory of her. I knew fiercely in my heart that I loved her, I knew that if I had said those words, they would be true but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say them when I didn’t even know who she was.
“Camilla,” Marie wrapped her hand around my bicep and pulled me to a stop. “I cannot keep running after you. You need to stop.”
“Did you see that?” I asked and she shrugged.
“She looks like you,” I shot her a hard look and she laughed. “If I had any doubts that those were your children, they have been
mate and away. It was like looking into your past. Damn, Camilla, you have daughters, you have a
mate and a cousin, you have a family.”
“That’s the problem, I don’t remember them,” I whispered harshly not wanting anyone to overhear me. “I feel like an imposter. I feel like they want like an imposter. I feel like they me to be this person and I cannot be her because I do not know her. I am not the girl they think I am and that has to be one of the most horrible feelings because I would give anything to be that girl.”
Her eyes softened and she pulled me in for a hug. I was surprised because Marie was not the affectionate type. She was the kind of person cared about someone and yet here she was, embracing me like her life depended on it. Her shoulders were stiff and her arms were a bit cold, but it was contact nonetheless and it was something I needed.
O would rather put her hands into the mouth of a bear than actually show that she
We stayed there for a full minute not speaking or even breathing too loud before she finally pulled away. “That is all the warmth I have in me for the next year or so.”
I couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of me. “Thank you, Marie. You don’t know how good it feels to know that I have at least one familiar face here. If you and Peggy weren’t here, I would lose my mind and it has barely been forty eight hours yet.”
“You will get used to being Queen, Camilla. This is who you are and I am sure that one year here will show you that.”
I scoffed. “I don’t think this is something I will ever get used to. I don’t know if I can last an entire year. I just want to go back to the town. I want to go back-”
“Are you kidding me?” I was shocked by the venom and anger in her voice. I looked up only to find her features contorted into a frown. “You want to give up all of this.”
“In case you haven’t realized, Marie, I am not cut out to be queen.”
“Stop with the woe is me pity party, Camilla. It was good for a few days but now this is getting embarrassing,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “You have been given a once in a lifetime opportunity. So many people will kill for the chance to just get out of that town and live in a pack. You got the chance to be Queen and you want to throw it away?”
“Marie-”
“No!” she cut me off and I frowned. “I never pegged you as a quitter, Camilla, I thought you were better than that but apparently I was wrong.”
She stormed off before I could form any words and I let out an exasperated sigh. I wanted to go after her but knowing Marie, she needed some time alone. This wasn’t just about me, it was clear that there was more to the story than she was letting on to. I decided to give her some time to come to terms with her emotions on the matter before turning on my heels and walking straight out of the palace.
I let my feet lead me. The guards whispered as they watched me, I tried to pretend like it didn’t affect me but it did. I kept my head high and briefly acknowledged each of them as I made my way out of the palace. I walked down the side until I got to what I realized was a beautiful fountain. It stood there in the middle of the open garden and I couldn’t help but feel a strange pull towards it.
Before I could stop myself, I was seated cross legged on the floor in front of it. I reached out a hand and willed
it the water to come to me. It flowed so easily and I let out a sigh. Despite it being the thing that almost killed me, was the one thing that managed to give me some form of comfort.
“I didn’t expect to see you here, your majesty,” the water sloshed to the ground as I nearly jumped from the strange voice. I turned to see an older man wearing a coat. He had salt and pepper hair and his eyes were kind. “It is good to see you back here.”
“It is good to be back.”
“As much as I hate to admit it, I was one of the few who truly believed you to be dead. It would have been a shame for someone with such raw power to lose herself before she got to the extent of it,” he said as he took the spot next to me and I immediately knew he was Loris. Ryker had told me about him. “Although, I did hear that you managed some impressive feats on that cliff. I was proud.”
“I don’t want to talk about the cliff.”
“Of course,” he looked a little sheepish. “I have never really had a filter and I never learned how to streamline my thoughts before saying them out loud. What you went through must have been traumatic for it to have taken you over two months to recover from it. Did you come here to train?”
I thought about it for a second before shaking my head. As appealing as training sounded, I just needed some time to myself. I wanted to think and this seemed to be the only place where someone wasn’t looking for me or expecting me to be Queen Camilla.
“Well then, I suppose I will take my leave,” he bowed. “Whenever you feel the need to get back into it, you know where to find me.” he started to walk away but at the last minute, he stopped and turned over his shoulder to look at me. “If you are looking for a challenge, then I don’t think animal shapes is the way to go. You can do those in your sleep.”
I laughed. “Fishes have always been the easiest.”
“What?” I turned to see Ryker staring at me in shock and confusion. Loris bowed and walked away leaving me with my mate who was staring at me with apprehensive eyes. He made his way over to me and there was something predatory in his gaze that had my spine straightening. He stopped directly in front of me and I couldn’t stop myself from looking away.
“You’re standing too close,” I whispered but he made no move to leave.
“You said that fishes have always been the easiest. How would you know that?”
“I was just making conversation, Ryker. I know you want me to remember and some part of me does too but I don’t. I was just saying something I thought I normally would,” I whispered but he still wouldn’t stop staring at me. “I am sorry that I didn’t say I loved her back. I was just overwhelmed and I ran. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently.”
He didn’t say anything. I thought he would walk away and leave me but to my surprise, he just sank to the ground next to me. Our knees were brushing and every fiber in me screamed at me to get loser. There was something about him that was welcoming and called out to me, I wasn’t sure what it was but even I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight it for long.
“Did we love each other?” I couldn’t stop myseш [01|| asking nothing about us. Why would you do that?”
“Because I don’t want to tell you that you love me, Camilla,” he sounded tired as he ran his hands through his hair. “I could tell you in a million different ways that I love you. I could tell you that it started the moment you stumbled on my pack while running away from Tyson. I could tell you all the stupid things I did that nearly drove you away from me. I can tell you about me but I will not tell you about us.”
“I love you, it hasn’t changed and it won’t change because you don’t remember. I can tell you that every day if you want but I will not tell you that you love me. I will not remind you of how you felt because deep down, you know. You might never be the woman I met before and that is fine. I don’t need you to be her. I need you to be you. You are the one I love, Camilla, and if you are ever going to feel something for me ever again then I want it to be of your own accord.”
I didn’t know what to say. His words had cut through whatever walls and defenses I thought I had put up. I opened and closed my mouth repeatedly but no words would come out.
“What if I don’t?” I asked finally. “What if I never feel anything for you? What if you cannot bring back those emotions?”
He leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead. “If I have to make you fall in love with me a second time then I will. I will cross every ocean, climb every damn mountain and I will come for you, Camilla. I don’t care if the gods themselves want to keep us apart. You are my mate.”
With one last chaste kiss to my temple, he stood to his feet and walked away leaving me with a bunch of emotions that I didn’t think I would need to handle so soon.
