Chapter 150
CAMILLA’S PO.V
I couldn’t keep my excitement at bay until the next morning, Ryker and I immediately rushed up the stairs and with only a lamp as a source of light, we opened the box. The key fit perfectly and within a second, the box was open. I was terrified for what I would find or not find. It had been buried in the ground for years and there was a possibility that the elements had gotten to the items inside but to my shock, the bound papers were in pristine condition almost as if they had been put there only a few days prior.
I undid the ribbon holding it together and was shocked when I saw that the first letter was addressed to me, not by name though, it read ‘to my daughter’. I glanced at Ryker with scrunched eyebrows wondering what to make of it but he simply shrugged. I lifted the lamp to get a closer look at the box in case I had missed something and that was when I saw it. It was scribbled all over the inside of the box as if someone had taken a small carving pen and etched it- a single name. It wasn’t one I had ever heard before but it was clearly one that had haunted my father for him to have written it like a prayer.
“Who is Annette?” I asked but Ryker shrugged. “My mother never mentioned anyone by the name of Annette. Could that be the woman he loved, the one who got married to someone else?”
“I’m not following.” I remembered he wasn’t there and explained what Briggs had told me. When I was done, he hummed to himself. “Annette could be that girl. I am surprised that he thought of her after all this time.”
“You’ll never know until you read them. They’re all addressed to you.”
“I can get to them tomorrow,” I said in a failed attempt to shrug it off but Ryker wasn’t having it. He could clearly see through my bulls hit because he grabbed a hold of my upper arm.
“I think this is the part where you stop pretending not to care about your father,” he whispered and his worse struck such a deep chord in me that I had to look away. “I know exactly what it is like to have a father who is a complete and utter failure and I know that you are disappointed in who yours turned out to be but I would like to believe that he isn’t the worst.”
“How do I forgive him for everything? How do I read this knowing everything he has caused for us- for my mother. He cheated on her for the entirety of their marriage. How do I live with that? How do I live with myself if I read this and forgive him?”
“It is possible for someone to be a great father and a terrible husband. It is possible for terrible people to do good things and for good people to do bad. Your mother would never have wanted you to hate him because of her. That is one of the reasons she kept all of this from you. It is up to you to make your own choices about him. You can toss this away and pretend like you never saw it but it will eat you for the rest of your life.”
I hated how much his words rang true. I hated how much I wanted to know him, not just from what people said to me but because I knew him personally. I hated how much I cared and if I could erase it in a split second, I would have.
“If you had one chance to talk to your father, to get an explanation, would you take it?” I asked and he hesitated before shaking his head.
“My father was a terrible man and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I made my peace with him when I buried him and I said everything I wanted to say to him when I drove my knife into his gut. I have made peace with that but Camilla, my father is not yours. You cannot hold them to the same standards.”
“Do you think I should read it?”
“I think you should do whatever you think is best. I think you should do what would leave you the least regrets.”
with
I sighed because I knew what I had to do. I undid the ribbon holding the pieces of paper together and I could count at least six. I handed the first one to Ryker. “Will you read it to me?”
“Of course,” he said without hesitation. He pulled me into him so he was sitting against the headboard and I was lying with my back pressed to his chest. The lamp was by the bedside offering us what little light it could. “Are you sure about this?”
“Absolutely positive.”
He cleared his throat before starting.
“To my daughter, it has been five years since you went missing and not a day goes by where I do not miss you. I know my time is near but I want to see you before I go. I loved you since the moment you drew your first breath. I looked into
first breath. I looked into your eyes and I knew that you were mine. When Eva had Frederick, I hadn’t wanted much to do with him. I suppose that could make me a bad person considering I didn’t claim one child and I did another but there was something about you.”
“When I held you in my arms, I was enamored by you. I never wanted to be parted from you. You were my daughter, my little girl, you were my heir and I was proud to be your father. When you disappeared, it felt like my entire world had shattered. Today would have been your fifth birthday and I am spending my days imagining the things I would have done if you were here. I don’t know what name you’re going by now but in my heart you will always be my little Annette-”
“Stop!” I cut him off with a harsh groan. My chest felt like it was being clawed apart. It felt like someone had taken a hot knife and was ripping my insides out and putting them on display. “How could he do that?”
“Do what?” Ryker’s voice was soft and probing.
“How can he do this to me? He says he loves me and he couldn’t love Frederick. Why would he do that? Why would he choose me? What was it about me that made him stay? What was it that made him write these? Was it because he knew he was dying and wanted to fix his mistakes?”
“I don’t know, but it seems very likely,” Ryker admitted and I hated his honesty. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to just hold me or if I wanted his advice. All I knew was that I wanted him. “Whatever it is, Camilla, you have the opportunity to think of your father as a good man. You have the privilege of not seeing his ugly sides. You have the privilege of knowing you were loved, even if it was a temporary bout of madness.”
“So I should accept it and forget everything he has done?”
“No, you should accept it, treasure it and move on from it, Camilla. You cannot spend the rest of your life hating your father. You will make yourself sick, baby, you will drag yourself down. You deserve better than that.”
“So did my mother and Eva and Frederick.”
“Yes, they did, but Camilla, you cannot fight for everyone. You cannot change the past but you can accept it. You don’t have to excuse the things he has done, just accept his apology and forgive him. You are the one carrying bitterness in your heart, he is dead and gone.”
I crossed my arms over my chest but didn’t respond. He sighed in exasperation before tapping my shoulder and standing to his feet. I didn’t know what he wanted or where he was going but I followed him. I allowed him take my hand and lead me towards Audrey’s room. She was fast asleep in her bed and we stood by the door watching her. He opened the door next to hers revealing Aurora’s nursery.
“Look at them,” he whispered to me. “Look at your daughters and tell me whether they deserve a mother brimming with anger and bitterness.” I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. “No, you’re going to listen to me, Camilla. Our daughters deserve the best of us. We didn’t have the best fathers and I understand that but we don’t have to be our parents. We can be exactly what they deserve.”
I looked at my children fast asleep. They had been through so much as a result of me and my father’s actions. There was a part of me that hated that and wanted to harbor onto that anger but I understood what Ryker meant. They deserved a mother who loved them and a mother who wanted to be with them. They deserved a mother who modeled forgiveness and love to them.
“I’m just tired, Ryker,” I said softly and he pulled me into his hold. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a soft kiss to the center of my head. “Why can’t things be easy?”
He chuckled to himself. “If it wasn’t them it wouldn’t be life, baby.”
He shut the doors to both rooms before leading me back to ours. I watched as he rolled up the rest of the letters and placed them back in the wooden box. I glanced at my name or what was meant to be my name etched onto the inside of the box.
“Why do you think my mother never told me about my name?” I asked and he stilled. “She could have made me stick to the name Annette. She could have forced me to at that moment and I would have done it.”
“Your mother was not the easiest person but if there was one thing she loved, it was identities. Camilla was who you were, it was the life that you had lived and it was the name you had grown.
into. Annette is nobody, Annette would have been the girl who grew up in the palace surrounded by guards and rules. Camilla is the girl who survived for years, she is the girl who fought for herself. Camilla is who you are and she knew that.”
I wiped away the stray tear that had leaked down my face. “I don’t know if I can forgive him now. I don’t know how long it will take until I can.”
“I know, baby,” he whispered. “Take as long as you need, just make sure that you do it.”
