Chapter 93 – Proper Luna
Ella
Pain. My first reaction is pain – blistering and hot, like having my body suspended over a pit of flames and slowly roasted. Sinclair won’t need me anymore. I’ll lose him. For all my resistance, I’ve become hopelessly attached to Sinclair, and my feelings for him are far stronger than I’d like to admit. The idea of not having him in my life anymore is so excruciating I can’t even consider the possibility head-on. I want to run and hide from it, to pretend it isn’t real rather than suffer the agony it unleashes.
I breathe through the torment, wondering how much time has passed while I grapple with this news. It feels like hours, but it’s probably only been moments. Once the pain passes, there is only denial. Lydia can’t be pregnant. She and Sinclair attempted to conceive a child for one night couldn’t possibly give them success when years of trying resulted in nothing more than broken hearts and a failed marriage. Right?
years
Of course, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing in the world if they did succeed after all this time. My conscience suggests and she’s right. How many stories have I heard over the years from well-meaning friends trying to make me feel better about my own infertility struggles? “Just wait, the day you stop trying is the day you’ll conceive.” they’d say, or, “sometimes the stress. alone can keep you from succeeding, at some point you just have to let all that go.”
They didn’t realize how hurtful it was, almost like they were blaming my infertility on met wanting it too badly. They also didn’t appreciate that this might be true for some women, but it’s completely false for many others. Some women would never conceive, no matter what they did. Still, they might have been wrong to try and placate me that way, but that doesn’t mean those cases never happen. Maybe a blacked out one night stand was what it took for Lydia and Sinclair to finally make a baby together.
What if Lydia is pregnant? I think hesitantly. What if she and Sinclair finally achieved the thing which had cost them their marriage? Could a child be enough to repair the damage in their relationship? Suddenly I see a future where Sinclair and his mate have a child while my own pup and I are able to quietly live in the background no more lies, no more fraud. Completely safe.
Wouldn’t that be better than this? Even if I’m heartbroken over Sinclair, isn’t my baby’s safety more important than anything? Won’t I always be sick with guilt as long as I’m continuing this fraud? Isn’t it right for the pack to have a true Luna?
No! Something feral and ferocious screams up inside me, Sinclair is ours! She can’t have him!
That’s selfish. I realize, hating the truth even as I recognize its weight. It’s selfish to keep him. for myself if it’s not right for him, for the pack. This isn’t just about me. It’s about millions of people who need Sinclair to lead them.
“And if she is pregnant?” I ask, just barely surfacing from the thoughts attempting to drown
“She’s not.” Sinclair dismisses easily, echoing my initial thoughts. “we don’t even know if I slept with her, and even if I did, we tried for years to no avail.”
“But what if she is?” I press, needing him to hear me out. “I mean, if she is pregnant, then
you’ll have another potential heir, and its mother will be a she-wolf. That’s everything you’ve been looking for. I have to think that a pup with two shifter parents will be stronger than one with a human mother.”
“We don’t know that.” Sinclair digs in his heels, his sharp gaze piercing me. “And you’ll make a better Luna than Lydia ever would.”
“We both know that’s not true.” I correct him gently, wanting to slide out of the bed so he can’t use his physical proximity to overpower my senses. “Because no matter what I do, I can never be a real one.”
“What are you saying?” Sinclair inquires, frowning deeply now.
“I’m saying that if she is pregnant, that might not be a bad thing.” I sigh, trying and failing to leave the protective circle of his arms.
“What?” Sinclair growls, with abject disbelief. I’m not surprised by his reaction, because I’m well aware of how strange it is for me to be making this argument. “Ella, you know what kind of woman Lydia is she’s narcissistic and power hungry. In some ways she’s as bad as the Prince.”
–
“I know and I’m not saying she isn’t terrible, just that you need a true Luna.” I remark with a weak shrug. “And with you there to keep her in check, her worse nature wouldn’t ever get out of control.”
“Who says I need a true Luna?” Sinclair grumbles, sounding every bit as petty and mutinous. as I must have earlier.
“Says you!” I burst, laughing now. “From day one, Dominic! You’ve been telling me this arrangement of ours is temporary, and only binding until you find a real mate from the first moment we met.”
“Maybe I changed my mind.” He suggests, nuzzling my neck and squeezing me just a bit tighter, as if he’s afraid someone might take me from him. “Maybe I was wrong.”
My heart skips a beat, and butterflies burst to life in my belly. Is that affection all for me? Is he responding to the baby? How is it we’ve built so much intense intimacy between us, and we’ve never done more than kiss?
I decide to test him. “I think Rafe is confusing your instincts, Dominic. It’s easy for you to say this now, but once he’s here with us, I’m going to go back to being just some human you
know.”
Testing him, hmm? The little voice in the back of my head interjects. Sounds to me like you’re just making excuses to keep him at arm’s length.
Unsurprisingly, Sinclair growls at me, making me quake and lean into him for comfort even though he’s the one causing my unease. Now that I don’t want to be separated from him, of course, he sees fit to put some distance between our bodies. He shifts me to face him on the hospital bed, keeping his legs straddled over either side of the gurney and staring me down with stern disapproval. “That isn’t true. I know the difference Ella. You and Rafe are one now, but I don’t want you for my Luna because of him I want you because of you.
“But you weren’t wrong.” I insist, trying not to absorb his compliments. It feels wonderful for him to be speaking this way, but the way I feel doesn’t change the situation we’re in. “Because
it’s one thing to deceive the pack and the Alpha council for the greater good because there is no other option. But Lydia being pregnant would give you another option. An honest option, Dominic.” I clarify, needing him to understand.
“Is that what you want?” He asks gruffly.
“I want my baby to be safe. I don’t want to live a lie.” I answer honestly. “And you don’t want to perpetuate a fraud like this if you don’t have to.” I add pointedly.
“So you think I should take her back, after everything she’s done?” Sinclair bites, looking furious now.
“If she’s pregnant, if there’s a she-wolf who can fill this role without lying to the people, you have to choose her.” I insist. “Keeping up this deception isn’t right, no matter how we feel.”
“You still haven’t told me how you feel, you know that?” Sinclair points out, his powerful hands massaging my waist, surreptitiously holding me in place in case I decide to make a run
for it.
“What does that matter?” I ask, not meeting his gaze. “Last night might have changed everything for us. I know it wasn’t your fault,” I offer apologetically. “But things are complicated enough already without adding feelings to the mix.”
“That may be true, but the feelings are there whether we want them to be or not.” Sinclair responds, ducking his head to try and catch my eye.
“I want our son to have two loving parents who can focus all their attention on him, not their own drama.” I counter, still evading an honest answer, but feeling dizzy now that I’m away from him.
“Why would our feelings mean that we can’t focus on our baby?” Sinclair questions, looking strangely blurry around the edges.
“Because it’s already distracting us! We’re talking about feelings rather than the real issue here which is that Lydia might be carrying another heir for you already. How is that supposed to work?” I inquire, I reach out towards one of his muscular arms for support. Would you stop moving, please?”
There are strange spots in my vision, and I try to blink them away, but they don’t budge. Ella?” Sinclair’s urgent voice sounds very far away. “Are you feeling okay?
The last thing I hear before everything goes dark is his frantic call, “I need a nurse over here!”
