#Chapter 404 – Balance Ella
“Dominic,” I murmur, reaching for him. “No,” he snaps, taking a step away from me and shaking his head. “You’re taking this too far, Ella – I know you want to help, but Icannot have you putting yourself at risk like this!” He sputters for a moment, turning away from me and hanging his head, bringing a hand up to cover his face.
I reach for him, seeking him through our bond, not understanding this reaction and needing to know –
He opens his heart to me when I gently ask him to through the bond. He lets me see all of his fear, all of his anxiety, all of the guilt that already rolls in him when he even thinksabout the possibility of losing Rafe and I when he could just keep usso safe-
And my heart breaks, for what feels like the eightieth time today, as I stare at my mate’s back, his broad shoulders.
“I’m so sorry, Dominic,” I whisper, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms around his waist from behind, resting my head against his back, closing my eyes. “I hear you Ifeelyour fear for me. But I…I can’t not do this….”
“Ella,” he says, his voice cracking with the strain of his worry, of not understandingwhyI’m pushing this so hard-
But before he can continue, I let out a deep breath and pass him my own feelings down the bond and along with them, the memories I have from today. Of little Leah, and her sunken pale face, and how fresh her skin looked after I spent an hour holding her hand. And little Philip, who lost a hand, and whose wound was badly infected-
Who will never grow that hand back, but who now will live, and be fitted with a prothesis, and live a full life –
And the memories of adozenother children who I helped – who needme, 1 who aren’tsafeunless I’m there to help them. The bareideathat I would ever, ever give that up, just to keep my own self safe?
It’s absolutely unthinkable to me.
“You’re forgetting who you chose as your mate, Dominic,” I murmur, my arms still wrapped tight around him.” Please, please don’t ask me to turn away from them. Ican’tdo it – not when I’m theonlyone who can help them like this. The only one who can really take away their pain.”
Sinclair turns towards me then, staying so close that I’m able to keep my arms around his waist, and he settles his free arm around my shoulders, Rafe still curled up in his other. As I look up at him I see that his eyes are wet with tears. I reach up a hand to gently wipe away the ones that start to fall down his cheeks. “All right, Ella,” he says, his voice gruff. But then he shakes his head at me, not giving in completely. “I see it now – I understand and…and you’re right, to hold you back from this would be to ask you to betray who you are. And who you are is the reason I love you. I get it.”
I nod, looking up at him, sending a pulse of love and gratitude down our bond. Because I really am just so grateful to be with a man who understands who I really am, down to the core of my being. And more than that a man who is willing to bend, even though he’s never been a particularly pliant person, when I tell him what I need.
“But we’re doing this on my terms,” he continues, a little bit of his growl coming back to his voice even as it’s still thick with emotion, and worry, and tears. “All right?” “All right,” I whisper, agreeing to it freely because I know he’s already given in so much. It’s my term now. “Your terms, Dominic. Whatever you say.” “Damn right, whatever I say,” he snarls, a little playfully, and I grin up at him, loving it – loving him. And I raise myself on my toes, tilting my head back, hoping for a kiss – which he gives me, freely. A good long one that tells me how much he loves me, but also how much he intends to protect me, to keep me safe. Even if I insist on going into what are essentially war zones every day.”
Trouble, through and through,” he sighs when I finally pull away, just an inch. “You’ve known that for a long time, big scary Alpha,” I murmur back, giving him a smart smack on his rear that makes him jump a little and then laugh. “Thought you’d be used to it by now.” “Yeah,” he sighs, letting me loose a bit. “Me too.” And then he starts a bit as I pull away further now, looking down at his crisp white shirt which is now…well, not so crisp, or so white, but instead covered in a fine layer of brown dirt.
“What the hell did you do to me…” he murmurs. “It’s really dirty at those camps,” I sigh, stepping away and crossing my fingers. “I’m sorry – was the shirt expensive? I didn’t mean to -” And then he laughs, giving me my own smack on the ass and nodding towards the door in our closet which also delightfully leads to the bathroom. “Shower, immediately,” he sighs, “filthy girl.”
I laugh and give him a wink as I saunter away from the door, “you like me filthy,” I call over my shoulder, “and you know it.” “Don’t listen to your mother,” Sinclair murmurs, pretending to cover Rafe’s ears. I laugh as I start to pass into the bathroom. ” We’re not done talking!” he calls after me. “Didn’t think we were!” I call back, and then – happy – I strip off my clothes, looking forward to a nice, long, hot shower.
About an hour later, after I’ve showered and eaten the food that Sinclair ordered up for me, we’re finally settled in bed in the dark. Or, the near-dark as I lit a little magnolia- scented candle on my bedside table, wanting to be able to see the changes in his face as we talk.
He’s so handsome, I think, smiling at him over our baby, who rests between us, babbling little nonsense words and grabbing his feet as he rolls around on his back. Why wouldn’t I want to stare at him whenever I can?
Perhaps intuiting my line of thinking, my mate smiles back at me and reaches. out a hand, slowly letting his thumb drift over the line of my cheek. I turn my head a little and kiss that thumb, hoping he knows how well I love him. But…well, I think he does. Because I know just how much he loves me – he shows me every day. I very much hope that I do the same for him.
“So what’s your plan, trouble,” he murmurs, his deep voice so resonant that I can almost feel the vibrations of it through the mattress. Rafe turns towards his father, laughing a little with joy at the sound of it. I smile and stroke my baby’s belly, pleased at how much he loves the sound of his daddy’s voice. “I need a team,” I whisper, looking up and meeting his eyes. “A big one,” he agrees. “I’m not letting you go there again with just Conner, Ella. I know that you believe in the good in everyone but there are people out there who would hurt you.”
“Okay,” I agree, nodding once. “But…can I have Conner?” “Do you like him?” Sinclair asks, tilting his head to the side. ” Should I be jealous?” And I laugh, reaching out and giving him a smack on the shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I murmur. “But no, he was very good and helpful today. And he’s nice, and Rafe likes him too.” I shrug. “But…I don’t want to derail his career. Would it be bad, to bring him on board with me?” “Not necessarily,” Sinclair answers, thinking as he speaks.
“It would be a diversion from his current plans but,” he shrugs, “if he does well protecting the Queen, it could be quite a good mark in his favor. Would you like me to speak with him?” “Very much,” I say, my eyebrows going up. All right,” he murmurs. “Who else?” ” Cora,” I say quickly, though I bite my lip. “If she can be drawn away from the Clinic, which…well, which Roger might like. But also…” I laugh a little, looking up at my mate. “I want Hank too, if I can have him.” “How long are you anticipating this project will take?” he murmurs, frowning at me.
“Hank might be willing to leave the clinic for a few days to help an emergency refugee situation, but he’s very passionate about the work he’s doing there. I don’t see him leaving it not willingly.” ” Well, I don’t want to ask him to do that,” I sigh, looking up at the ceiling as I think it through. “Isabel, certainly, I need. What about James? Did you…did you have a good talk with him today?”
” Yes,” Sinclair says, and I turn my eyes back to him. “Though I’m afraid I want him myself, Ella, unless you can make a good argument for why no one else can take his place on your team. I want him to train as an ambassador.” “Really?” I ask, my eyes going a bit wide. “But he’s …military…” “He’s also smart,”
Sinclair counters, “and charming, and good with people, and trustworthy. And we may be in a situation in the future where an ambassador who knows the ways of war is going to be quite an asset. “Do you want to send him to Venda?” I ask quietly. Slowly, Sinclair shakes his head. “Or major problem,” he murmurs, “is still with Atalaxia.” And I go cold as I realize that…well, that I forgot all about Atalaxia – this incredible force looming behind us. But as I look into my mate’s eyes, I realize that he hasn’t forgotten about it – not for a second. And that, even if Sincalir’s worried about me? The main focus of his worry is on this other nation that’s still harboring my uncle, and very well might be planning to support Xander in his desire to take our child.
