Chapter 167 – Going to Bed Angry
Ella
After dinner with Cora, I visit the Palace library, searching for any excuse to avoid Sinclair as I continue to work through my feelings. My sister’s troubles with Roger offered some distraction, but I’m not sure a distraction is what I needed. My anger and frustration with my mate hasn’t lessened at all, and I haven’t had the chance to think about our conversation in any depth.
I browse the bookshelves absentmindedly, more caught up in my head than actually paying attention to the available selection. Eventually I spy a Vanaran history book on the top shelf, and my curiosity is piqued. I’d love to learn more about this mysterious territory, but it’s very high up and there’s not a ladder anywhere in sight. If my mate were here he wouldn’t have any problem reaching it for me, but he’s not here.
And he’s not going to be. My wolf pouts, He’s leaving, and we’re going to have to get used to doing things on our own again.
Part of me is ashamed I’ve become so reliant on a man when I spent my whole life taking care of myself and others, and suddenly it feels ridiculous that I should seek out another to solve this problem. Licking my lips, I take a quick visual measurement of the shelves, and look around the room for a chair to stand on.
Finding a plush armchair, I pull it over to the bookshelf and clamber up onto my knees on the cushioned seat. Making sure I’m steady, I slowly get my feet under me, but unfortunately this doesn’t make me tall enough to reach the top shelf. Testing one foot on the arm of the chair, I determine that it won’t topple under my weight. Stretching as far as I can, my fingertips only graze the spine of the book, and I huff in frustration.
Keeping one foot on the arm of the chair, I balance the other on one of the shelves, pushing myself up to grasp the book. Just before my fingers close around the old leatherback, a thundering voice shatters the silence.
“What do you think you’re doing!?” Dominic demands, his disapproval slamming into me full force.
Yelping in surprise, I lose my balance and begin to topple backwards. I try to hang on but my fingers slip, and I use my free arm to cradle my belly as I fall. I see a whir of motion out of the corner of my eye, and suddenly strong arms surround me. Gasping for air, I look up at my mate with relief, quickly followed by outrage. “Why would you startle me that way!” I exclaim, swatting his chest.
Sinclair’s foreboding gaze bores into me, and suddenly I’m squirming beneath the weight of his scalding temper. “Is that really what you want to say to me right now?” He inquires ominously, looking me over with concern even as he sends waves of Alpha authority through our bond to chastise me. “Goddess, Ella. Were you trying to break your neck?”
“I would have been fine if you hadn’t snuck up on me!” I argue, trying to wriggle out of his arms. However as soon as I begin trying to escape he simply holds me tighter.
“You have no business climbing on anything, especially not when you’re alone. That chair could have toppled or you could have simply lost your balance. You risked yourself and the pup.” He lectures, carrying me back towards our room.
Guilt washes over me, not for my own sake, but for my baby’s. The last thing I ever wanted was to risk Rafe. I rub my belly, trying to sense his mood. I feel pulses of uncertainty, but not due to any harm I’ve inflicted. He’s simply responding to my guilt and Sinclair’s anger. “I’m sorry.” I answer hoarsely, not sure if I’m apologizing to my pup or my mate. “I wasn’t thinking, I just wanted a book.”
Sinclair rumbles wordlessly, a clear note of suspicion in his growl. “Are you sure about that? Are you sure you weren’t trying to get back at me for leaving you behind.”
“What, by injuring myself?” I scoff, finding the mere suggestion preposterous, even though I know he’s not completely off base.
“No.” Sinclair corrects sternly. “But you warned me your wolf wouldn’t obey anyone but me, maybe this was your way of proving it – making me think you’ll get up to too much mischief without me.”
Now that’s an interesting idea. My sly wolf ponders. Maybe it’s not too late to change his mind. She has a point, but that wasn’t what happened and Sinclair will know if I lie. “I didn’t even know you were there.” I remind him sulkily, “And not everything is about you, Dominic.” I add spitefully, trying to drown out the swell of tangled emotions rising up inside of me. I feel like I’m all over the place, my moods swinging back and forth between sadness, worry, anger and resentment, muddying my mental state.
As if trying to prove just how hormonal I am in this moment, my brain veers away from irritation, moving to regret and guilt from the knowledge Sinclair is displeased with my behavior. Is there a worse feeling than when one’s mate is angry and disappointed with you?
I didn’t realize I sent the question through our bond until Sinclair’s wolf replies. How do you think I feel? His arms tighten reflexively on my body. But there is a worse feeling, and it’s failing to protect them or help them when they need you.
My heart softens toward him, especially when he lets me feel how distressed he’s been by my own unhappiness. My guilt increases, and suddenly tears are burning in my eyes. I feel so overwhelmed and I’m not sure how to put my feelings into words. I also don’t want snatches of chaotic emotion to reach him through the bond in case they send the wrong message, so I pull the mental wall down between us, locking it tight.
Sinclair frowns, clearly disliking the fact that I’ve cut myself off from him. Still, he doesn’t complain and when we finally reach our rooms he asks. “If it wasn’t about me then what was it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I sniffle, wallowing in self-pity. “I just want to go to bed.”
Sinclair moves into the sitting area, settling on the couch and arranging me in his lap. “We’re not going to bed angry, little wolf.” He informs me, firm but gentle.
“But I want to be angry with you.” I share petulantly, knowing how childish I sound and not caring. “It’s your fault that I’ve become so needy and dependent. I used to do everything for myself, and now I can’t even get a book without asking for help.”
“Mmm,” Sinclair purrs sympathetically. “And my departure has thrown that into perspective, has it?” He nods. “I hate to say it, but that still sounds like it’s about me, trouble.”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” I repeat stubbornly, trying to get up so I can go crawl into my nest.
To my surprise, Sinclair lets me stand, but once I’m on my feet he traps me between his legs, keeping his hands on my hips as he looks up at me. “Ella, I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.”
My knees wobble, suddenly feeling weak. “So soon?”
‘There isn’t any time to waste.” He confirms gravely. “And I don’t want to go without settling things between us. I know you want to prove to yourself that you can handle the challenges and risks of being a Luna, but that’s obviously not everything.” He assesses shrewdly, softening his tone as he strokes the hair back from my face, cradling my head in his large hand. “I can’t make it better if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, baby.”
As I look into his deep green eyes, I feel at a loss. The capricious, contrary part of me doesn’t want him to make it better at all. If I ask him to fix this, I’ll just be relying on him to solve my problems for me – again.
I don’t know what to do, because there isn’t a right answer this time. If I stay behind then I’ll be on my own, but the only challenge I’ll face is getting through the day without my mate. If I go with him I might have a chance to prove myself, but I’ll also be staying in the safe cocoon of his protection. So which is worse?
‘This isn’t going to get better, Dominic.” I finally reply, wrapping my arms around myself. “I don’t want you to go without me. I’m no use to you or the pack if I’m here alone.” I take a shaky breath, my throat itching. “And it does scare me to realize how much I need you, but not only because it makes me feel vulnerable, but because you’re running off into possible danger and I’m terrified that if something happens and I’m not with you…” I trail off, not able to put my riotous emotions into words.
Sinclair exhales deeply and stands, his thumb brushing back and forth along my cheek. “And that’s what I’m afraid of.” He admits. “If something happens to me, I want you as far away from that danger as possible.”
I gnaw on my lower lip, averting my eyes as tears well. ‘Then there’s really no way I can change your mind?” “No, Ella.” Sinclair confirms. “My mind is made up.” He towers over me, his wolf flashing in his eyes. “Now, about this climbing bookcases business…
