Sinclair’s Decision
Ella
I’m on cloud nine when we return from the refugee camps. My wolf is practically crowing with her success supporting our mate in his darkest and most thick-headed moment, and even my sister’s troubles with Roger aren’t enough to bring me down.
I take a quick shower before dinner, my mind swirling with ideas to surprise Sinclair this evening. He’s been going through so much and trying to bear it all alone, and all I want is to be there for him. I decide to sneak away while he’s finishing up his work so I can task a few servants with collecting some romantic items for tonight: massage oils so I can work the knots out of his tense muscles, chocolate and candies to indulge his sweet tooth… and maybe spread over my body for him to devour, candles and rose petals to set the mood, even some sexy pregnancy lingerie to tempt him.
I’m so excited to put my plan into motion that I’m grinning when I exit the bathroom, still toweling my hair dry. Unfortunately I stop dead in my tracks when I see him waiting for me, seated at the end of the bed watching me with a somber expression. Instantly I know that something is wrong, but I can’t imagine what it might be after we had such a great day.
“Sit down, trouble.” Sinclair instructs gently, patting the bed beside him.
My anxiety immediately spikes. I can count the number of times my mate has been in our bed without touching me in some way on one hand. Still, I gingerly cross the floor, cradling my pregnant belly in my hands, and perch beside him. I’m sure he can sense my unease, but instead of sending me waves of comfort in response, I feel only regret pulsing through our bond.” What is it?”
Sinclair gazes down at me with grim determination. “I’ve thought about this a lot, Ella. I’ve tried my best to be objective and not let my own wants sway me, and I’ve decided that when I leave on my diplomatic mission… I can’t, in good conscience, take you with me.”
My heart sinks, and my wolf whines pitifully in my head. “Why not? You promised you would think about it.”
“I have, baby.” Sinclair insists. “And it wasn’t easy. But I’d rather trust you with the devil I know than the one I don’t. I know the security risks here, I know the guard set up and emergency contingencies, I know Gabriel. I can’t say that about any of the places I’m going. I tried to work out some way to bring you along but at the end of the day I simply can’t trust unknown wolves with your safety, and I have to think that the Royal Palace is the most secure place in Vanara, whether I’m here or not.”
“But if I came along I wouldn’t just be hovering in the background.” I argue, pulling both of my legs onto the bed and turning towards him. ‘Think about how much I benefitted the campaign. If you need to schmooze and charm the Alphas, I can help!”
“I know.” Sinclair confirms. “I thought about that, but I’m not sure the advantage you provide would outweigh the risk.”
“You mean I might be able to help, but not enough to really matter?” I say, feeling my heart fall.
‘That is not what I mean.” Sinclair corrects immediately. “I mean that I would rather try my best and fail, than for both of us to try only to end up losing you or Rafe.”
“But what about the third possibility?” I press. “Where you take me and we win them all over and no one gets hurt?”
Sinclair’s mouth quirks, his eyes crinkling with affection. “It’s still not worth risking the second option, little one.”
I can feel my lower lip beginning to quiver, and I hear his wolf whine in my head, agitated by my imminent tears. “So you’d rather lose the war, than let me take just a fraction of the risks you are?”
“Ella,” Sinclair murmurs, sliding his hand around my nape. “I believe that I can build the alliances we need, whether you are with me or not – not because I don’t appreciate how much value you bring to the table, but because I’m determined to get it done no matter what. I have no plans on losing the war, and I know you don’t need to be protected and spoiled, but I care about you too much to do otherwise. So please let me do this.”
“But we’re supposed to be a team.” I insist, staring at my lap.
“We are a team.” Sinclair professes emphatically. “But most teams require the players to fill different positions to support one another. I’m helping the team by meeting with the Alphas, and you’ll be helping the team by helping Gabriel make arrangements for the refugees arriving from the continent, and helping Hugo respond to developments back home – plan countermoves when I’m out of reach. Not to mention growing our pup so that we have an heir when it’s time to take the throne.”
My thoughts can barely keep up with this. Until now, Sinclair hasn’t mentioned anything about me acting as his official Luna in all this, but then again we’ve had little opportunity to talk about my role since my wolf woke up. “You mean, you’re going to let me help strategize? To sit in on policy and warmaking meetings?” I ask, astonished.
Sinclair blinks incredulously. “Of course. You don’t think I’m going to waste that brain of yours, do you?”
“But you’ve been so concerned with shielding me from stress.” I reply, trying to justify my confusion.
“I’m learning, trouble.” He chuckles. “It took a while but I’ve figured out that being out of the loop only makes you more anxious. Besides, your wolf is awake now, and I may have a hard time dumping my own worries on you, but I know you’re more than capable of handling this role.”
I’m touched, and beyond proud that he believes in me this much, but there’s still one problem. “But part of being a Luna means taking care of you too.” I state sadly. “I can’t do that if you’re thousands of miles away.”
“We’ll be in constant contact, Ella.” Sinclair promises. “I’ll call you every night and every morning, and we can always meet in our dreams.”
For a moment, I feel pacified. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s smarter to divide and conquer… but, my wolf interjects, that’s not what this is. He isn’t suggested we separate so we can tackle different problems. He’s doing it because he thinks we’re too weak and vulnerable to withstand the risks he’s going to be facing all on his own.
Her words ringing in my ears, I clamber to my feet, shaking my head.” Dominic, I know I’m new to this and that I’m not as strong as you are, but I’m never going to grow into my power if you don’t let me try. If you keep me in a bubble I’m just going to stay weak and dependent on others to get by.” Suddenly Cora’s words the day we fought are ringing in my ears, and though I don’t regret looking out for my sister, I’m beginning to understand what she meant about constantly being sheltered.
“You aren’t weak, Ella.” Sinclair corrects me sternly. “And you are the least codependent person I’ve ever met.”
“But I am dependant on others for protection in this world.” I argue. “On you and my guards – and I will be until I learn to stand on my own two feet.”
’Then maybe being apart will be good for you.” Sinclair counters slyly, completely missing the point. “You can spread your wings without me hovering over your shoulder.”
‘That isn’t what I mean. You might be leaving but you’re still sheltering me… shielding me and coddling me.” I insist. “You’re keeping me in the safest circumstances possible and ensuring I don’t have to fight or take risks.” Sinclair unfolds from the bed, crossing his powerful arms over his chest.” Well Goddess forbid that I should want to make my breeding mate safe after everything we’ve been through.” He growls sarcastically. “I promised I would take care of you, that I would make sure you never had to suffer poverty, abuse or neglect again.”
“I know that,” I sigh, “and I love you for wanting to give me only the good things in life… but that isn’t our reality anymore, Dom. We’re exiles and we’re about to go to war. I can’t, in good conscience, sit idly by while everyone risks their lives for me. I want to help, I want to prove myself worthy as your Luna.”
“You have already proved yourself worthy a hundred times over, little wolf.” Sinclair assures me, closing the space between us. “And I’m sorry that I can’t take you with me, but I promise it’s for the best.”
My wolf is getting more frustrated and angry by the minute. “I might have proved myself to you, mate.” I snap, “but I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about proving it to myself! I want to do this and I want to be there for you – And the fact is that you could take me if you chose, you’re just not willing.”
Sinclair clenches his angular jaw. “I’m not going to apologize for protecting you Ella. And you can be mad at me all you want, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
“You know, except for our really early days together, I’ve always felt like you were in my corner. That you would support my goals and interests whether they aligned with yours or not. Then again, this is the probably the first time we’ve really been put to the test, so I guess all that was just wishful thinking.” I shrug, fighting back tears. “And I’ve been wrong before, but you know what? I can’t ever remember being so fucking disappointed.” With that I turn on my heel and stalk out of the room, leaving my mate without a backward glance.
