Chapter 104 – Three Little Words
Ella
“Ella, I love you, but you’re driving me crazy.” My sister’s voice floats through my phone, sounding more exasperated than irritated. After his shower, Sinclair went to his office, and I promptly called my sister for advice.
“What do you mean?” I inquire hesitantly, I’ve just finished explaining
“I mean,” She sighs heavily, “Who are you, and what have you done with my sister? You’ve always known exactly what you wanted and done whatever was necessary to make it happen. You are a strong, independent woman not some bratty, indecisive, emotional basket-case who’s too caught up in a man to know her own heart.” She groans.
I wish I could argue with her assessment of my behavior, but I know she’s right. However, before I can acknowledge as much, she continues, “It’s like: you like Sinclair, you don’t like Sinclair. You want to be with him one moment, and the next you’re trying to foist him off on another woman – just make up your mind! I swear, I don’t even recognize you anymore!”
“Can’t you see that’s the problem! I don’t even recognize myself anymore.” I exclaim, rubbing my sore neck. “My entire life has been turned upside down -”
“I know! Because that’s all you ever talk about anymore.” She bursts, interrupting me. “Do you have any idea when you last asked me about my life? That you showed interest in anything other than your own problems?”
Her words sting, and I realize she’s right. I have been so wrapped up in my own drama that I’ve been neglecting my sister. I hate to think it, but the truth is I don’t have any idea what’s going on with her. “I’m sorry, Cora. What’s going on with you?”
‘Nothing, but it would be nice to know you care!” She snaps, sounding more than a little petulant.
And she had the nerve to call us bratty! The little voice in my head observes.
“Are you serious?” I hiss. “People are trying to kill me, Cora. A psychotic bitch drugged and attempted to rape the father of my child. I’m committing a fraud of epic proportions in order to save an entire fucking species from civil war. And you’re pissed because for the first time in our entire lives, I’m not ignoring my own needs to take care of yours?”
“I never asked you to do that!” Cora argues, “you made that choice all on your own.”
“Because I had to!” I growl. “I had to be the strong one because you always fell apart at the first sign of trouble.”
“Then maybe you should have let me fall apart!” Cora counters defensively, “maybe if you had, I would have learned to stand on my own rather than relying on you.”
Nausea seizes my stomach, and I clench my eyes shut. “You know what I went through in order to protect you.” I finally say, my voice hoarse. “Do you really wish that I hadn’t? Was 1 supposed to stand by and let my sister be abused?”
A shaky breath vibrates against the receiver, and Cora’s voice is small when she speaks again. You know that isn’t what I meant… but I have to live with the guilt of knowing you were hurt because of me. And sometimes I just think that maybe… maybe if you hadn’t protected me
I
then at least we would have been in it together, rather than you being all alone.”
“And I would have never forgiven myself if I had.” I share, even as a wave of sorrow swells. inside me to learn how she struggles with guilt. “Why haven’t you ever said this to me before?”
“Because you’ve never been willing to talk about it.” Cora scoffs. “I suppose that’s one thing I can thank Dominic for. Trust a bossy wolf to make you finally unlock your emotions.”
“He really did.” I acknowledge wryly. “I think maybe that’s why this is all so hard for me. I feel so… raw. I don’t think I’ve ever been so emotionally vulnerable, and I don’t have the first clue how to cope.”
“I can tell.” She laughs. “And it’s not your fault that you never learned how to handle feelings Ella, but you also have to take responsibility for learning now that you recognize the problem. You do realize this is why you’re having so many issues with Dominic, right?”
“No, it’s that our situation is insane.” I object pointedly. “It’s not like this isn’t the first time I’ve been in love.”
Oh my goddess, I think belatedly. I’m in love. I admitted that I was falling for Sinclair a while ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to acknowledge that I passed the point of no return
even to myself. I’m not just falling, I’m completely in love with Sinclair, and avoiding a relationship with him isn’t going to change that.
“I swear El, if you call your relationship with that little weasel love, I will come over there and smack you right in that beautiful face of yours.” Cora threatens, completely serious.
“Hey, I know it wasn’t great in the end, but it’s not like it started out that way.” I defend, wondering if I’m being honest even as I say the words. “I did love him.”
“Ella, let me ask you something. Did you ever feel even a fraction of what you feel for Dominic, for Mike?” She inquires.
pause. It’s been so long since I even thought of Mike, and I’ve been in such deep denial about. Sinclair that I haven’t even considered comparing my feelings for the men. As soon as I think back on the relationship, I see the truth glaring back at me, “No.” I exhale sadly. “Never.” “And why do you think you believed you were in love with him for all those years?” She presses. “Why do you think you let him treat you so terribly?”
I grimace. “Because I didn’t have the first idea what a healthy relationship looked like?” I suggest.
“Bingo.” She agrees. “That little shit preyed on you from day one we were just too young and inexperienced to realize it at the time.” She has the grace not to say “I told you so.” The fact is that Cora tried to warn me about Mike more than once over the years, but I was too stubborn to listen to her. Instead she continues, “I wish I could go back in time and kick him in the balls before he could ever introduce himself to you.”
“Me too.” I chuckle, shaking my head.
“Now the real question is: What are you going to do about Dominic, now that you’ve figured all this out?” Cora asks sternly.
“What can I do?” I question, feeling very overwhelmed all of a sudden. “I mean, so what if I do love him? So what if my baggage is causing all these mixed-up feelings? That doesn’t change
the situation we’re in. I can’t make myself a wolf, and I can’t make him a human or non-alpha I probably wouldn’t even if I could, because then he wouldn’t be the same man I fell for.”
“Are you sure you’re not just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?” Cora questions. “I mean I know you’re in hot water with the campaign and everything, but is it possible those are just excuses?”
The gravity of our circumstances looms above me, and I know that we made the right decision. Even so, I’m woman enough to admit that my sister isn’t wrong. “I think it’s both.” I murmur sadly. “I have been afraid, and I haven’t trusted him. But Dominic and I don’t have the luxury of being selfish we’re going to be parents, he’s going to be a king. Our responsibility is to the pack and our baby not our feeling:
“That’s fair.” Cora concedes. “But is knowing that enough to help you move forward and stop torturing yourself?”
“I don’t know.” I moan. “It just feels so unfinished. We never even talked about our feelings… I mean, he tried and I…”
“Ran away?” Cora surmises. I hum in confirmation, and her voice takes on a sympathetic note. “I’m afraid if you don’t make peace with the decision, you’re going to keep being confused and indecisive, El. You need closure.”
“I wish there was some way for me to get it without making things worse.” I agree. “I mean if I tell him, knowing Dominic he’ll go all wolfy on me and insist we can find a way to make it work… assuming he even loves me back.”
“Hey, he’s not the one that’s been avoiding this.” Cora reminds me. “At the minimum you know he wants you. And I wouldn’t discredit him without even giving him a chance to prove. you wrong, Ella. You’re making excuses again.”
“Maybe.” I sigh.
“Maybe definitely.” She snorts.
Suddenly, as if a lightbulb goes off in my head, I realize there might be a way for us to steal a night together. “Cora, I just remembered! Wolves can meet in their dreams. I accidentally called Dominic to me once. Maybe if I can figure out how to do it again, I can tell him and we can be together without complicating reality.”
“That’s amazing!” She exclaims, “Do you think you can figure it out?” “I don’t know, but I’m certainly going to try.”
